Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dispatch: Scott's day off and I Spy

Some days, you’re on the road and have nothing to do. So how do you fill your time? Well some musicians do drugs or rob banks or race motorcycles. Some date supermodels, form peace rallies or invent new forms of punctuation. We go to malls. Not just any mall, but we look for the largest most diverse monuments to consumerism that we can find. Malls with more than one Starbucks, a Best Buy, a Victoria’s Secret, etc. Today is such a day at the Coconut Point Mall in Fort Myers, FL. After an evening watching The Bourne Ultimatum (great freaking’ movie! He dies at the end!, not really…or does he?...I wouldn’t spoil the movie for you…he dies…just kidding…no really…) We returned here today for lunch at Johnny Rockets (first restaurant opened on Melrose Ave in Los Angeles CA on June 6 1986) another tour around Barnes & Noble, and now were posted up at Panera Bread for the free internet, great atmosphere and friendly people…but mostly for the free internet. A strange bald guy was staring at us earlier, but he’s gone now. He had large glasses that reminded me of those “x-ray specs” that they used to advertise in the back of comic books. I think the couple at table in front of me is having an affair…shame on them! Tom seems to be shopping for yard tools online and Richard is expanding his ever growing legion of Myspace friends. His ultimate plan is to gather as many Myspace friends as possible and then mobilize them into an elite fighting force that will aid him in his quest for control of the free world, all to the dulcet tones of the Beatles…but don’t tell anyone! I am the patient observer, neither judging nor condemning, simply noting the comings and goings of the humans. An older couple to my left appear to be in disguise. You know large hats, dark glasses, etc. They’ve also not spoken a word to each other since they sat down. They may be blind. Maybe they’re not aware that the other person is sitting at the same table. The man looks like he might have killed someone at one point, while his companion looks like she might have commanded him to do it as a test of loyalty…or maybe they’re just old people eating lunch. As I said, I neither judge nor condemn. A woman to my immediate right just took an incredibly large bite of something. I think she should eat smaller bites and chew her food more. She’s looking at me now. I think she knows I’m writing about her…oh wait…no it’s okay; I think she has a lazy eye. 2 guys in front of me are chowing down. They seem to have spent more time on their hair than I do changing the oil in the van. I see a woman drinking beer. I didn’t know they served beer at Panera Bread…at 10:00am…on Sunday…lazy eye’s looking at me again…I think she knows the “hair brothers”…another woman is eating with a spoon, but she’s holding the spoon upside down and just licking the back of it over and over…Geez!...the hit man and his boss are reading the paper…probably about his last hit and how the police can’t solve the crime! Diabolical geniuses! Now a guy in front of me is online and looking up travel websites. Maybe he’s planning that surprise getaway for his wife…or girlfriend…or maybe he’s just planning to escape…into the night…with the money that he embezzled from his job at the Apple Store! Lazy eye’s coming this way…I’d better go.

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